All my life I have struggled with the fear of failure. Growing up that manifested as a terrible work ethic as I subconsciously lived on the idea that I couldn’t fail if I never actually tried. Many things have come easy to me, so I’ve been able to skate by. I was OK with being average and not standing out, so I never really knew what I was capable of. I thought that meant I couldn’t let myself down.
When I was in college I worked at a Christian bookstore. My boss Dave called me out on my lack of trying and my general apathy toward life. It was the first time I remember being aware of my mindset and the lies I was believing. I don’t remember his exact words by any means, but my time working for him provided a serious wake up call and made a major impact on my life. I will forever be grateful for the life lessons and advice I got while working with that man over the years.
So fast forward to our current adventure and I have been realizing how this deep-rooted lie has been affecting me in the present. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid that I’m wrong. All along this journey Morgan and I have prayed countless times that God would make it obvious if we are not supposed to go and put a major road block in our way.
At this point Morgan and I have both resigned from our jobs and we are now in the process of selling our current home. Of course the timing of selling our house coincided perfectly with the pandemic and the onset of social distancing and stay home orders. Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. What should have been an easy sale turned quickly to desperate prayers for the Lord to move. While we had hoped to sell it ourselves we had to turn to a dear friend of ours who is a realtor for help and drop our price drastically to be realistic.
Yet even with his help we have come face to face with so many potential obstacles and been told there is no way this will work. The fear starts creeping in and the contingency plans start racing through our minds. A good friend of ours asked Morgan “What happens if you don’t go to West Virginia? You were so positive that God was calling you there. Did he change his mind?” And there it is again… my fear of failure. What if I was wrong?
But let me tell you a quick story. A few years ago there was a college girl named Hannah who was 100% positive that she heard God tell her to leave her WyldLife ministry at Harrison to go to Disney for an internship. She was all set to go, and then she didn’t, because God told her no. What she initially thought was a failure or a mis-hearing of our God, was in reality just her inability to see God’s whole plan. The same day that she publicly announced that she was going to Disney was the day that we publicly announced that we were leaving SBEP Young Life. It was the sign Morgan and I had waited for, and we knew in that moment that we were going to lead WyldLife at Harrison. Hannah had not made a mistake – she was part of God’s plan as the reassurance that we needed to make that next step. And THANK GOD the plan was not for her to actually go, because in doing ministry alongside her she became one of my absolute closest friends.
So back to my fear – what if I was wrong? NO! That is a lie from the enemy. I may not know the whole plan, but I KNOW that I am following His call in this. So one of two things is happening here:
1. God wants to make it EXTRA clear that He is the one taking us to West Virginia. I can’t even count the times that I have been told it won’t work – and yet by his grace it still is!
2. We don’t go to West Virginia, but we’ve made major life changes and sacrifices that we would not have otherwise made, and he is preparing us for some other good work.
I’m still fully convinced of option 1, but I trust that He knows the full plan and I know that either way it will be GOOD. I am currently working through the bible study Finding God Faithful by Kelly Minter, through which I am being reminded that the God of promise is better than the land of promise, or even the promise itself. So while my initial fear was being wrong and the embarrassment of having to admit defeat, I don’t feel that anymore. I feel confident that God is moving in our lives and he has a perfect plan for us!
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Psalm 56:3